I'm all American

Hi, my name is Ben. I am a Arab-American.

Hi, my name is Ben. I am a Asian-American.

Hi, my name is Ben. I am a Mexican American.


It dosen't really matter what I am, I'm still going to get hired over the white man.

So over the weekend I stopped by my brothers place that he is going to be moving in shortly. We brought a couple things over but mainly just checked the place out. In the basement of this place were some belongings of a previous tenant that had not been picked up yet. You really get to learn a little bit about a stranger by nosing around his stuff. For one, he had what looked to be a brand new punching bag. This made me assume that he probably just got done watching a ultimate fighting marathon on spike tv and went out and bought a punching bag. He probably then hit it ten times, got tired and made a salad. 45 minutes after his healthy salad he realized that salads are not filling and ordered some chicken wings and drank a beer. I also saw a picture of what I am assuming are his parents. I now know that his father has a mean mustache.

I decided that when I move out I am going to leave behind some items so that the next person moving in or whoever cleans it out will form some opinions of me. This is what i have decided to leave behind.


1. The Bible, the Koran, the Book of Morman, and a Harry Potter book.

2. A sealed envelope that says do not open. Inside the envelope will be a piece of poop and a note that says "I told you not to."

3. An autographed picture of Burt Reynolds.

My wife says that my blogs have a formula where I like to list things. Another man had formulas he came up with



I'd probably get hired over him too.

blogging, what could be.

Thank God for the internet. Thank God for forums to express who you really are like blogs and myspace. I just would not have that close personal connection with that 11 year old boy in singapore who works in a sweatshop, unless I could read up on him daily in his blog. I can even watch him get flogged through a live webcam for not making his quota of 1,300 shoes for the day. Thank you Ling Ding, I finally have arch support.

Well since I have made a commitment to myself to try to keep up on this blog, it has made me start thinkng about other peoples blogs. Some people use blogs to keep family and friends up to date with what is happening in their lives. Some people use blogs to vent their frustrations. Some people blog because they have no friends to talk to in person... i swear i'm not the latter. Well what about those people who just are not hip enough to have a blog yet? Or what about people who missed out on the blog technology? How will we ever know what is happening in their lives or what they were thinking? Well I have thought about it and this is what I think those individuals would write in thier blogs, if they had one.

ROOMATE WITH A TOYOTA.
REFLECTIONS OF THE HOMELESS GUY LIVING IN BEN'S GARAGE.
SEPT 13 2006.

Hello everyone. Sorry it has taken me so long since my last blog, I cut off my finger and sold it for a bolgna sandwich, typing has not been easy. Ok, you got me, it was a bologna sandwich and crack. Anyway, it has been a very busy couple of weeks for me but I have good news to report. A couple of weeks ago, someone broke into my home and left a couple of bikes in it. I am now able to ride to the other side of town and pee on buildings that I have not gotten a chance to pee on yet. Everything seems to be going well but the unevitable winter is approching fast. That means I will have to bring out the winter shopping cart. Well, the one good thing about winter is people seem to be more generous around the holiday season, they just have a funny way of showing it. Last year a Korean looking guy threw twenty dollars worth of pennies at me as hard as he could. It hurt, but I was still grateful for the money.


I'M JUST NOT INTO JEWISH PEOPLE
CONFESSIONS OF ADOLF HITLER
JULY 8, 1943

Greetings friends. So I'm sure you have been reading all about me lately, I'm quite popular in the press these days. It's funny how you can feel so alone even when you are surrounded by so many people. Sometimes I wish I could just kick back, chill, and have some margaritas with some buddies. Genocide is unfortunatly very time consuming. So I wanted to get some feedback from everyone. Are you into the mustache? To be honest I wanted to grow a Fu Man Chu but it just dosen't grow in except right under my nose. Now it is kind of my signature look but I don't think I am into it. I thought about shaving it and growing some chops but i just don't know. Let me know what you think. Oh yeah, and I've decided to get a swastika tatoo. Do you think it will be more bad ass on my arm or on my back. I was going to get it on my calf, but I thought it would look dumb next to the mickey mouse I already have there. Well I gotta go, i'm going to a book burning in a half hour.

Peace in the middle east,

Adolf.

bowel movements and relatives

At this point in reading my blogs you might say to yourself, "hey, Ben sure talks about bowel movements a lot." Yes I do. I do this for several reasons. I think the word poop is funny. I think the word pee is funny. I think the act of pooping is funny. I think the act of peeing is just slightly less funny than the act of pooping, but still funny nonetheless. So what memories get conjured up when you think of pooping or peeing? You may think of the time when you were a little kid in public and wet yourself. You may think of the time you were sitting there and what you thought was a simple fart turned out to leave a feeling in your pants more than just dissapating air. I think of my little korean grandma. My grandmother, known as Choe Bo-Dok lived with our family for six months starting from the summer of 2003. Now you might be asking yourself, "Ben, how does pooping and peeing remind you of your grandma?" That is a very good question. At first meeting of my grandma you might think that it is because of her smell. It is the kind of smell you would get if poop and pee sat around for forty years and then somebody cooked it. That is not what makes me think
of my dear grandmother though. What makes me think of my grandma is that during her 6 month adventure to the U.S, not one time throughout her many bowel movements did she ever shut the bathroom door. The bathroom that she would often frequent was not one where the toilet was tucked away in a corner. The toilet she favored was a small half bathroom where the toilet faced the door directly. It was nearly impossible when passing the bathroom to not make eye contact with this sweet old woman passing a stool. Don't ask me how, but after a while you actually get use to it. What you don't get use to is passing by in mid wipe. Unfortunatly my grandmother does not speak english and i do not speak korean. There were not a lot of conversations had between the two of us. If I could write a letter to my grandma that she could understand, I think it would go something like this.

Dear Grandma,

Hi it's Ben. You know, your grandson. You might not recognize my name since the only name you bothered to learn during your stay was our dog's. I just wanted to tell you how glad I was that you came and stayed with us. I just thought that next time you come, you might take a few things into consideration during your stay. First off, remember the time I was watching t.v and you were standing behind me? Well here in the states most grandmas will go to a bedroom to change their shirt. It was not a pleasant surprise to turn around and see you with your shirt off. It was even less pleasant that you were not wearing a bra. Second, I know that growing up you did not have the luxuries that we have today. One of those luxuries being running water. I would encourage you to take advantage of this technology we now have. Only bathing yourself once a month is really only acceptable if you are on survivor. Third, yes going to the bathroom can be a very relieving and satisfying feeling, but it will be only to you. Please do not share this experience with the rest of the world. Finally, I know that you enjoy church and enjoy being a christian. I would just encourage you to try to find out more about christianity when you are here and you have the resources like our family to share it with you. My mom once asked you if you knew who Jesus was. You replied Santa Clause. Although Santa is also a good person, I have yet to find the denomination that follows that doctrine. I love you grandma and can't wait to see you again. I just hope that you might embrace some of these suggestions before your next stay. Especially the pooping one.

Love,
Ben

our third roomate

So I would like to tell you guys about our third roomate, well sort of a roomate. Well I guess I should get everyone up to speed on our current living situation. Jenni and I live in a townhouse in Columbus. At our townhome we have a small detached garage in the back that is not a whole lot more than a shed. Most people use it for storage and we use ours for nothing. I have actually only looked inside the garage once when we moved in and have not opened it since. About a week ago my parents came down and brought us a couple of old bikes given to us by my grandmother. For the first time I had something to put in my garage. Upon opening the door to the garage I was suprised to see a small bag in the corner. I proceeded to walk over to the small bag and open it. What I wish i would have found in the bag and what i actually found unfortunatly are not the same.

Things I wish I found in the bag.

1. gold nuggets.
2. A hot apple pie
3. a medical dictionary so i could look up the word pubis and giggle.
4. a laptop so i could google the word pubis and giggle.
5. baby jesus, kidnapped by doc brown and marty mcfly and stashed away until they can figure out how to fix the flux compacitor.

What i found in the bag was

1. an old lettermans jacket.
2. disposable womens razors.
3. a plastic fork
5. a rolled up mat.

yes folks, it appeared that a hobo had found a place to stay in our garage. I like to think of him as a friedly hobo with his hobo bag on a stick just seeking shelter until he can jump on the next passing boxcar. I left the bag where is was and shut the garage door. Later that evening I opened the garage door back up and found that the bag was gone. Apparently the hobo left to get his daily hobo chores done. You know, checking soda machines for change, yelling at a fire hydrant, picking up dog poop and rubbing it on themselves because it smells better, normal hobo stuff. well now I am in a situation where I go and open the garage door almost daily to see if I can catch the hobo hanging out.Yes, i am close to pooping my pants everytime i slowly open the door but I like to think that the confrontation will go something like this.

Ben- so your the hobo that has been living in my garage.

hobo- we prefer to be called homeless.

Ben- well your using my garage as a home so I don't feel right in calling you homeless.

hobo- thats a good point, but hobo sounds derrogatory.

ben- i really don't think that hobo is, i would think bum would be more insulting.

hobo- well its ok for other hobo's to call each other hobo's but not people like you. Like, I could go up to one of my buddies and say, "what up hobo" and he would be like, "hobo please, the man is bringing me down with all his garbage collections and no urinating in public laws."

ben- well that hardly seems fair

hobo- life is unfair, i am a virgin but somehow I have gonorrhea.

ben- thats gotta suck

hobo- not as bad as the chlamydia.

ben- well i don't really appreciate you living im my garage without me knowing about it.

hobo- you'll appreciate it one day.

ben- what do you mean?

hobo- ben, listen carefully

ben- how do you know my name?

hobo- i am you ben, forty years from now. i have been traveling through time and you have found me.

ben- but what are you doing here?

hobo- i came to deliver something to you.

ben- deliver something? what?

hobo- i had just put it in the bag right before you opened the door. look for yourself and see.

I slowly walk over to the bag and unzip it. There before my eyes is what I was hoping to find in my bag, number five on my list. Baby Jesus is adorable.


What most likely will happen when i finally see the bum is that i'll open the door, freak out, shut it quick and hide under my covers until jenni makes me chicken noodle soup. A boy can dream though.

hi again

yes, i take a long time to blog. yes, i am inconsistent. yes, i had to check google to see if it is spelled inconsistent or inconsistant. yes, i am not going to use capital letters. yes, i think south koreans are more attractive than north koreans. yes, when i eat dairy it makes bad things happen in the bathroom. no, that is not too much information.

the past couple of months have been busy. fun getaways and more to come. last monday brought us the flaming lips here in columbus. i have no problem saying that it was the best show that i have ever been to. I like to call it a visual feast with no visual dairy products. the openers of the show were the sonic youth and the magic numbers. the magic numbers were about as tight as you could ask and the sonic youth were about as old as you could ask. excellent performances by all. it did rain during the magic numbers, but stoppped and cleared up by the time the flaming lips went on. unbeknownst to us, this was the type of clearing up that happens right before a
tornado forms and sirens ring throughout the city. not a good place to be at an outdoor venue. luckily the music was loud and everyone was oblivious to the threat on their lives. jenni managed to still look as cute as a button despite being soaked and nearly having a wizard of oz adventure.



the day prior to the show we got to enjoy the day with harr at his new home in cleveland. we even managed to catch the indians playing the tigers at the jake. jenni bought me a hot dog and brought it back with no condiments. my laziness overtook my willingness to go get some ketchup and mustard, so there i sat taking a couple of bites off a plain hot dog. i did get lectured by a bum named antwan robinson outside the brandtson show during our stay. i refused too buy him a meal and he rebuked me for it. antwan told me of the time jesus fed thousands and that by the blood of jesus i should return the favor and feed him. after i still refused, he pointed a finger at me and said that he could be jesus standing before me, and i just denied him food... i thought it was a good point.



so the weekend before that takes us to new york city. jenni and i got to take a couple of days trying to take in all of what manhatten has to offer. what i found out new york has to offer are; eight i love ny t-shirts for 10 dollars, one of the same t-shirt at the airport for 32 dollars, bums sweeping their sidewalk with a beach shovel, a guy clling me a f'n f@#%@# a$$ mothe f'er, and a half korean with a little bit of urine in his pants after said individual yelled at him. all in all, i would say it was a great trip.